Drowning
by EssenceOfDarknessAndShadow
Summary: Fear. It is a word that echoes throughout my mind, fear, it took over, it controlled me, and it ruined me. I shouldn't have let it get to me, now I fall, down lower and lower, and suffer, pain and more pain. This isn't just about Percy's fear of drowning but the role fear played in his last moments. Some references to suicide, cutting, substance abuse and drug abuse.


**AN: I start digressing a bit from the topic into a very angsty point of view but that was on purpose, it all added up to the meaning of the story. No this story is not all about drowning, but the role fear had in Percy's life (the part I came up with). Hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own PJO or HoO, those are obviously English letters and thus **_**nobody **_**owns them, Percy Jackson and the Olympians along with Heroes of Olympus are all Rick's though.**

The war left yet another mark on me, but in such an odd and unexpected way, people would think, _oh the hero of Olympus, he lost an arm right? Or a leg?_ Well no, surprisingly, the war gave me a fear, the fear of _drowning_.

Ridiculous, isn't it, I am a son of _Poseidon_, I don't drown, water is my home territory. But it started back when I was on the quest with Frank and Hazel, I actually did feel drowning, although it wasn't it water, it was in dirt and mud, away from my father's domain.

It was horrible.

I began to feel dizzy, lightheaded, a surge of panic would go through my chest, making me try to do anything to get up, but I kept sinking, and my vision would go black, pain swelled in my chest, I only lived because Hazel got me.

Ever since then, I have been terrified of drowning, I remember Thalia, maybe she actually could fly, like Jason, but her fear might get the better of her. It is all in our heads, but then again, our minds are powerful things, aren't they?

The fear in my head took control, and before I knew it, it became a reality, and _only_ because I feared it. The thing is, drowning wasn't my only fear, I had developed a paranoid fear that Annabeth was going to leave me, that she was going to abandon, betray, or just leave.

That fear took over too, and only because I feared it, fear is definitely powerful, kings have risen to power because of it and countries have fallen because of it. I should have seen it coming, what I was doing, where I was going with all of this, but it is now too late.

_Too late._

When is it not too late, the Fates are cruel, is there ever a time where we can actually do something? A time in which we can correct our future mistakes, ask for forgiveness in advance, stop he pain and suffering from reaching us?

No.

There isn't, because that would require _mercy,_ which the Fates are _unspeakably _low on, but it's okay, they replace that mercy with knowledge, at least we can understand that greater forces are ruining our lives as we let hurricanes of tears drop from the clouds of our eyes.

It is said that we demigods never get a happy ending, well it's true, never does any good ending happen to us, we are tools of the Gods, pawns. Power comes at a price, of course, even if we didn't ask for the power, but it doesn't matter, we are half-gods, so naturally our lives have to be dangerous, risky, agonizing, and tragic, because our oh _so _wonderful parents couldn't hold off on the sex for a while.

That is, _if_ they didn't do this on purpose, I mean, why do the gods _allow _their children to do so much for them, and then live horrible lives, they are _gods!_ They should be able to control at least a little bit of these things, but _noooooooooooo_. They _can't _interfere due to ancient laws that prevent them from doing so, how convenient, but I digress, I am supposed to be a good little hero with a sad tale, so you can learn from my mistakes and live an _almost_ better life than I did, and then die a tragic death too, so another can learn from you and repeat the process.

Well, what is the moral of my story? Maybe it can be 'never trust people', how about 'never love', what about 'happiness is a lie', maybe the horrible truth I recently learned, 'the cake is a lie, dammit GLaDOS'. Now, those are all very true, and I could go into never trusting people, never loving, the fact that happiness does not exist, but I just don't feel like it, let me _really _tell you what this is about, it is about…

_Fear…_

You can't let it control you or it will slowly take over, eating you painfully, _agonizingly_ from the inside out, and soon there will be nothing left of your worthless, black soul for your body to carry around, if you let it win, there will be a void within you that no amount of love or other lies can fill, only the pain and suffering that will just open an even larger void, there is no hope once you let fear take over.

It started when I realized Annabeth was avoiding me, or at least I thought so, she seemed to do it so secretly, as if not to hurt me, or to mock me, I don't know, in the end, it might have just been my fear blinding me from reality, but it doesn't matter now, she is gone, forever. I began to think, the lie we call happiness began to leave me and I could clearly think, _Annabeth doesn't want me. Annabeth doesn't need me. I am a burden._

I decided to make it even easier for her, I began to separate myself from her but I separated myself from any good feeling as I did, but it doesn't matter, all those feelings are lies. I still had hope though, hope that she _might just _come back to me, that maybe I was wrong.

I was wrong, but she _definitely _didn't make it that easy for me, after weeks of suffering, my arms and legs were a canvas for my blood and knife, but it didn't matter, what mattered was that she was gone, she didn't come back.

Or at least that is what I thought, she did come back eventually, to tell me one thing, _'It isn't working out, I think we should stop dating. We shouldn't be friends either.' _And just like that, she was gone, _gone_.

_It's okay, _I would tell myself, _at least now you know the truth. _But that didn't matter.

_Nothing _mattered.

Not that _that _matters either.

I hoped she would come back for me, but she never did, she was gone, away, and it filled me with even more pain. I _knew_ it, but what I didn't understand was that I was _wrong_, and _I _did this to us, not her, but I was blinded by fear, _too blinded _to realize what I was doing, but that's how the Fates wanted it.

In the end, I realized it, the fear I had of her leaving me, _caused _her to leave me, and I would never be the same. As I said before, I felt myself being slowly, painfully eaten from the inside out, agonizing pain filled me, and an emptiness formed in the deepest recesses of my now black and pitiful soul.

The fear took over.

And _she _left me because of it.

Only one thing would even momentarily take my mind off her, not drugs, not cutting, not alcohol, nothing except for swimming.

So I swam, I would swim and swim and swim, nothing stopping me, exhaustion wouldn't come as my mind wasn't there.

Soon though, I stopped, I could no longer go on, whether that was my will to live or just swim, I don't know, but the result was the same.

I sank, down and down, going under completely, and for the first time that I was in the ocean, I _couldn't _breathe. And _that_, was when I realized that what happened was because of me, because of my _fear_. The fear ripped my life away from me by taking Annabeth, leaving me in a state of lifeless living, a conundrum, then the fear killed me, a son of Poseidon, death by drowning.

I felt my soul leave my body, and as I made my way to the land of Hades, I knew one thing, I fucked up.

It was all my fault.

It was all my _fear._

And now, even in the afterlife, I will live in pain for eternity.

_All because I let fear control me._

And that, is my story, now go live your worthless, painful lives so others can learn and do the same.

In the end, that is the point of life, isn't it? To bring more life, and cause more suffering.

_Fear and Suffering, great way to end my life._

**AN: So how was that? It took quite a bit of concentration to write this due to the ADHD, and the depression that makes everything harder. Well tell me what you think and thanks for reading, hope everyone liked it.**


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